


There Is No Escape, But Do Not Surrender

by ElReyCiervo



Series: Yulmallen AU Drabbles [8]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Autistic Character, Autistic Kanda Yuu, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Death, Hurt/Comfort, Language, M/M, Mild Gore, Multi, Nonbinary Alma Karma, Nonbinary Character, Other, Polyamory, Yulmallen, Yulmallen AU, mentions of torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-10-14 14:47:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10538676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElReyCiervo/pseuds/ElReyCiervo
Summary: Drabble #8) He imagines death so much it feels like a memory...





	

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray-Man
> 
> Warning: language, violence, mild gore, mentions of torture.

If he had to be blunt, the day had been absolute shit—which in no way made the night any easier.

In addition to the news that Allen had dropped in Komui's office, it had been a bad contact day—clothes that he didn't wear often (as his normal ones were in the wash pile) were either too scratchy or too itchy, and people kept wanting to touch him more than normal for some strange reason (pats on the back from one department, a slap on the shoulder from Lavi, and so on. But, enough of that.

Kanda shifted, attempting to get into a more comfortable position to no avail. He sighed in frustration as he tossed and turned, trying his best not to jostle Alma or Allen too much. If anything, they deserved a good night's rest even if he could not. No use in keeping them up just cause his stupid brain couldn't slow the hell down enough for him to get to sleep. _This is fucking bullshit_ , he growled mentally. Irritation was coursing through his veins, and it wasn't just because he couldn't fall asleep.

The whole situation with Allen, Neah, and the third side of the war made him all kinds of uncomfortable. Even though he agreed without hesitation to stick with Allen in his departure, it in no way was going to be an easy road. Central already disliked the three of them—Allen because of the Noah and Alma and himself because they were Seconds—as it was, so to leave and have them on their tails again? He gripped the corner of the sheet in his tight fist. It was like they were on the run all over again.

Even with Komui's 'mission' blessing them with a slight time window, who's to say that information wouldn't leak and the CROWs wouldn't be hounding for their blood before they knew it? The risks were ridiculously high, but despite all the negative outcomes that were slated against them, Kanda would still stick with the people he loved…no matter how rough it would get.

He had already almost lost his first love for good, watching them die in his arms and fade away almost completely…

He watched his second love almost be devoured alive by the devil in his head, which would have been worse than death…

A hand on his cheek almost made him startle, and he looked over his shoulder to see russet-brown eyes staring back at him. "I c'n feel you thinkin' too much, Yuu," Alma slurred though a sleep-addled mouth. "Get s'm sleep." The tan hand moved from his cheek to plop right over his eyes, blocking out the little light that had managed to reach them in the dark room. He gave a little snort, but adjusted himself the best he could in order not to wake up Allen. He knew the white-haired terror hadn't been sleeping well, so he and Alma were trying their best to get him to sleep whenever possible.

Finally settling into a comfortable position, he reveled in the warmth of the bodies around him and the softness of the sheets. As he listened to the breathing and the soft snores of his lovers, he knew one thing:

He would make sure they lived, even if he could not. They deserved to be happy more than anything. With all the hell they had been through, happiness was small in comparison.

They deserved it.

Just as he felt himself drift off, he was suddenly shocked wake. His eyes shot open, the fuzziness of sleep clearing away, and his gaze flicked around the room. _What the hell? Why do I feel like this…?_ From the long years of fighting on the battlefield, his senses were fine tuned to anything abnormal. Now, they were screaming at him to be aware—that something was coming, that something was going to happen soon.

Kanda quickly sat up and woke Alma and Allen. He shook their shoulders, urging them to hurry the hell up and wake up. When they protested, the tugged a lock of Alma's hair and pinched Allen's pierced ear. The resounding, loud "ow!" from the both of them at least let him know they were wide awake.

"Wha' the bloody hell, Kanda?!" Allen griped, scowling at him. "We were sleeping, dammit."

Still trying to figure out what exactly shocked him awake, he grunted. "Obviously. Time to wake up, I think something isn't right."

Saying that, they both became serious, aware that he would not mess around with something like that. "Like what?" Alma asked, eyebrows pinched in worry.

"I don't know, but I know it's nothing good…"

"We should leave," Alma said, yanking away the sheets away from their legs. They quickly began pulling on their shoes, and Allen and Kanda were right behind them. "Or at least walk around—see if there's anything out of the ordinary."

With his sleep pants tucked into his boots, Allen was already at the door. "With all the guards walking around? We better be careful. I suppose we could say we needed a snack or something. They'll believe me at least, I know—" he cut himself off as he leaned closer to the door, pressing his ear against it. "Wait."

"What?"

"I hear…footsteps, I think. But, they're— _oh shit!_ " He leapt back from the door just in time for his face not to be smashed it when it slammed open.

" _Binding Wings!"_

Before they could arm themselves, sparking talismans swarmed around them, trapping them in the binding spell. The three of them toppled over, squirming on the floor and glaring at the group who was at the door. Magical electricity continued to spark through the talismans, making him wince in pain. _Fucking hell._ Kanda swore under his breath when he saw Leverrier's smug face waltz into their bedroom, arms folded behind his back. He was fully dressed in a pressed suit and coat—he was prepared to be out and about; definitely not sleep attire. CROWs in their full regalia trailed behind him, more talismans peaking from their long sleeves. Exchanging gazes with Alma and Allen, they knew one thing: this was in no way a social visit.

"Sorry for the disturbance this time at night," The Director said in a tone that conveyed no apology; quite the opposite, "but we have some business to discuss with all of you. I'm afraid it couldn't wait, you see." That being said, Kanda tensed when Leverrier snapped his fingers, signaling the group of CROW to part, revealing one in the back. Despite himself, he sucked in a breath when the last CROW stepped forward and threw something in front of them. "Let's start with this one here."

Howard Link was thrown in a crumpled heap in front of them, bruises marring every inch of skin that was shown and still-bleeding cuts dripping on to the floor. As much as he didn't like the guy, Kanda could not help but worry about the man. Link was in no way a pushover, but here he was, looking like he was put through the ringer. His blonde hair was out of its normal braid, splayed in a mess, and his training gear was crumpled and frayed, as if he had been continuously fighting in them. Every breath he took wheezed and sounded close to being moans of pain. Other than the shaky rise and fall of his chest, he did not move. The Inspector was unconscious.

Allen and Alma gasped in horrified surprise. Kanda felt bad for them as he knew that they both considered the blonde-haired man a friend—Allen even more so than Alma. "Link!" Allen yelled in horrified surprise. He was quick to narrow his eyes, shooting a frigid glare at the Director. "What the hell did you do?!"

With a peculiar tilt of his head, one the Kanda could not place, Leverrier nodded at Link. "We did what we had to do. From the information we extracted from him, we discovered your traitorous actions, and hereby charge you with high treason. This man here will join in your fates as he is an accomplice." He tusked and shook his head. "He was one of my best, too. What a shame."

' _Extracted information'? Did that mean that Link_ _ **didn't**_ _betray us for Central?_ Thoughts were whirling in Kanda's head, trying to figure out what in the hell was going on. He knew Komui didn't leak anything. He was sure that his office was bug free, so how did Leverrier find out?!

"I can practically hear your thoughts, Yuu Kanda," Leverrier raised an eyebrow. He walked closer to him, and Kanda did all he could to try and break free from the binding spell. Every cell in his body screamed to get away from him. The other man kneeled in front of him. "I suppose since you all are about to die anyway, I can tell you what happened to that traitor." The three exorcists struggled even harder when they heard their deemed fate. "We had a hunch that Link here was failing to remain impartial and beginning to side with you lot. So, while he was training, we scooped him up and gave him the chance to tell us what he knew. Ever the stubborn man, he refused, forcing us to act with…more drastic measures. Physical torture did nothing but make him tired and angry, but I should have known that sooner—after all, _I_ am the one who trained him to be so tough-skinned. Anyway, when I saw that did not work, I moved on to more…effective methods. I do have to commend the scientists for their skill in 'potion'-making. They had a truth-serum lying about in one of their messes of a lab without even realizing such. Hmm, perhaps I might raise their budget…"

An inch closer and Kanda could have bit off a finger. "You sick son of a bitch! How could you—"

"— _Ahhhhgh!_ " Alma's scream cut him off, making everyone turn to them. They were writhing in their bonds, enraged and eyes almost glowing with fury. Another explosive episode. "You aren't gonna touch a _damn hair_ on them! Just you wait, you fucking piece of shit—I'm gonna kill you in the worst way possible!" With a loud roar, they struggled more and more, and it seemed as if all that effort was somehow weakening the Binding Wings. Kanda was not the only one to note that, however.

"Dispose of that Second, now!" barked Leverrier.

" _Flame Wings!"_

"NO!" Before either one of them knew it, Kanda and Allen watched helplessly as the Bindings Wings shocked Alma into submissive immobility, while the new Flame Wings lit them on fire. "Stop it, leave them alone!" Their own Binding Wings sent magical electricity sparking through their bodies, rendering them useless to Alma. Despite the heat the was blazing against his face, his blood ran cold and he felt like he was drowning. This couldn't be happening, this couldn't _be happening,_ _ **thiscouldn'tbehappening**_ —not again…Once the flames were extinguished, the only thing left was an unmoving, blackened body. _They'll regenerate, just like last time_ , he thought to himself in desperation. _They might t-take longer, but they'll regenerate. More than 500 seconds—b-but they'll regenerate, they'll do it, they'll do it. Then we can—_

His stream of thoughts was cut off when he heard, "Now, finish the job. Both the Second and the abomination."

In the blink of an eye, one CROW stabbed a serrated knife that was hidden under their sleeve into Alma's burnt body, striking right into their-core heart. The CROW pulled out their core-heart, still stuck on the knife and flaking with residual body matter, and was quick to light another fire spell. Allen's choked gasp of horror made everything so much worse. So much worse. In less than a minute, the remains of Alma's core-heart— _of Alma_ —fell to the floor like dust being cleaned off an object.

No. No, no, no! Alma could not be gone… He wheezed, wishing he could move to grab at his chest.

Allen's shouting made him turn to him, and he hissed when he saw the CROWs nearing for his lover. "Y-you fucking leave him the hell along, you bastards!"

As soon as the words left his mouth, Leverrier turned to near him one more time. This time, he actually grabbed his chin in a near bruising grasp, roughly jerking his head to force him to watch Allen. "Oh no, no, no, Yuu Kanda. You do not get to shout orders, especially not at us," the cold smile on his face along with the equally frigid hand made him want to retch. "Traitors get what they deserve, and you lot are the worst of them all. A CROW turned to the other side of the war, a Noah-exorcist abomination, and two— _excuse me—_ _ **one**_ Second exorcist playing human…the only thing they have in common is death. Central and the Vatican have no time for soldiers who cannot do as they are told, so they must be disposed of. Now," the cold smile turned into a malicious grin, and Kanda wanted to sob because he was helpless as to what was coming next, "watch as your friend gets dealt the fate that he deserves. You're next, but it'll be much more satisfying to see you suffer as you watch him die."

Allen struggled, and struggled, and struggled, but nothing that he did loosened the binds. He didn't seem to care that the CROWs were about to kill him for his eyes were only on Kanda, those beautiful, shimmering mercury eyes. "Kanda! Don't listen to him! I love you and—" Whatever he was about to say was abruptly cut off when, with one strategic swing, one of the CROWs lopped off his head.

Kanda could only stare in horror as Allen's head rolled right next to him, so close that he could see the light fade from his wide eyes and the blood begin to stain his white hair. There was a fast-emerging puddle of blood coming from and Allen and his head, and Kanda flinched and shuddered when the warm stickiness began to seep into his own night clothes.

"A-Allen…?" He shook as he turned to look at the ashes on the floor. "Alm-ma…?" Jesus Christ, this couldn't be happening. _What is going on? What is happening?_

A huff. "Time to meet you fate, Yuu Kanda. But, do not worry about the…bodies; they'll be thrown away with the rest of the trash. Think of it this way: at least you room will be clean for the next person that has to use it. I did hear you were bit on the cleanly side, after all."

All he remembered was the _swish_ of a knife, the pain in his chest, and darkness engulfing his vision.

It was cold.

Freezing.

* * *

Someone screaming jolted him awake, making him fly out of the bed, legs still tangled in the blankets. He landed in a heap on the floor. It took him too long to realize that the person screaming had been him; he hadn't heard himself sound like that in…ever, actually. Gulping deep breaths to try and calm himself, phantom pain still coursing through his chest, his eyes wildly scanned the room. _Where am I?_ He thought, quite off key. _Where are they? Where are they?_ They had to be alive—they couldn't be dead.

He swung his arm when he felt something lightly touch his shoulder, and it was only quick reflexes on both his and the other person's parts that the offender kept their hand. He did not remember having Mugen in his grasp. There was Allen, hair mussed from sleep and beautiful mercury eyes— _his hair isn't stained and his eyes are still lit with life; he's alive, alive, alive, alive—_ standing above him. His pale face was pinched in worry, and his Innocence hand was help up, poised in a way that Kanda assumed he had been the one to touch his shoulder. _(Even if he had wanted to defend himself against the CROWs, he wouldn't have been able to activate with that binding spell around him.)_

Right next to him stood Alma— _not a pile of black ash on the floor, still here, not ash_ —biting their lip and rubbing their tan hands together. They looked like they wanted to touch him. But they all knew it would be better not to right now. Touch would have to wait until he calmed down. _Am I calm? I don't know_. He was incredibly jittery and anxious right now, and he wished he had his bead bracelet so he could fiddle with. It was out of reach on the dresser, so he would have to make due with flapping his hand against his thigh—he would have preferred the bracelet, though.

"Kanda?"

"Yuu, you with us?"

Still flapping a hand against his thigh, he nodded, not trusting himself to speak. What would he say? _Oh sorry, I just watched you two be violently executed right in front of my face? Yeah, no_.

They both moved to kneel next to him, still giving him his space, which he was so, so thankful for. He was glad that they both knew what to do when he got like this. _Please help, please don't leave_ , he wanted to say, but both hubris and his current mindset would not let him do so. He followed Allen as he gestured to Kanda's hand asking, "Can I hold your hand, love? You look like you might need someone right now."

Hesitantly, he nodded again, swallowing hard when he felt a warm hand envelope the one that was moving so much. Kanda knew his own body temperature was warm, but now he just felt cold, freezing. The parasitic exorcist's hand was a balm right now, especially since Allen was continuing some sort of motion by rocking their joined hands in a slow, swaying motion.

He gave permission to Alma next, who looked as if they would burst if they didn't help in some way. Alma also moved to sit next to him, and they took his other hand and continued the same swaying motion. It wasn't the same as flapping, but he did like it—plus the warmth, _not fiery-death-warm, not ash-warm, not blood-seeping-onto-me-warm—_ was pleasant.

They were there on the floor like that for a while, waiting until Kanda resituated himself.

After a while, he was able to force out a scratchy mumble. "You two died. In front of me….I couldn't save you…" In a sense, they all had the same insecurity: not wanting to see the other die.

They understood; he didn't have to explain anymore. Allen slowly moved to press a kiss on his clammy forehead, and Alma ran their fingers through his tangled hair. "Just like you told me earlier, we aren't going anywhere, Kanda."

"We'll always be with you," Alma added with a smile.

They sat there all on top of each other, drawing comfort from one another. They all knew that they could not promise they would never, _ever_ die—they all had a due date at some point of their lives. It was imminent, and there was no way that they could escape it. War would most likely claim them, more likely than not, but…

Just because they could not escape death, did not mean that they had to surrender to it.

* * *

Published: 4/3/17

**Author's Note:**

> A/N 1: Sorry I did not get this up during March! I had a death in the family recently, and so I've been trying to work everything around that. Thank you for being so patient!
> 
> A/N 2: Thank you to Turtleneki for dropping a comment last installment!


End file.
